In Trailer Trash (did you see what I did there?), I’ll be inspecting new trailers and explaining why I, and perhaps I alone, will be respectfully declining any opportunity to see more than the allotted two minutes of the movie on display. Today I’ve picked out this little treasure, I Kissed a Vampire. Yes, vampires again. Yawn.

Apparently, it’s the first feature length episode of some web series that’s been a hit among a large group of young, and seemingly undemanding, human folk. Or something.

Release The Curmudgeon!

I Kissed a Vampire

5 Reasons Why I Won’t Be Seeing This Movie

1. Fucking Teenage Vampires. Again.

Lord, give me strength. When will they stop? When did stringy, whiny teenagers manage to hijack an entire genre like this?  Vampires are supposed to be scary, menacing, creatures of the night, not ridiculous Justin Bieber wannabes who’ve been raiding their mum’s make-up. And where exactly does a vampire get the money for hair gel, anyway? ‘Half a monster and half a man’, eh? You’re neither, brat face.

2. Feeble Music.

Believe it or not, this is advertised as a ‘Rock Musical’. Oh, really? That piece of engineered, focus group approved teeny crap is what passes for rock these days? Not quite Hendrix, is it? ‘I Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ couldn’t be a more apt title for the song on the trailer since that’s exactly the condition the tune engenders. Trust me, you’re going to wake up in the middle of the night, begging for a lobotomy, with that irritating jingle lodged in your brain like a mocking tumour of mockery.

3. Awful Puns

‘You’ve really gotta get over your fang-ups and take a bite out of life’. Hilarious! We’ve hit comedy gold! Do you see what they did there? They said ‘fang’ instead of ‘hang’! I think my head just fell off. Where’s Kenneth Williams when you need him? One can only hope they’ve included the other classics, such as ‘He’s a real pain in the neck’, ‘Fangs for the memories’, and the immortal ‘How do you like your stake?’. Guffaw, snort, tee hee, etc.

4. The Walls are Closing In

Was this movie filmed in someone’s garage? Talk about micro-budget set design. It’s like a 1970′s BBC production or a student project. There doesn’t appear to be a set much larger than my kitchen, including the world’s most compact fairground. They’re hoping that if they shine enough coloured light bulbs around no-one will notice. But just in case, they’ll nip out to the beach periodically to relieve the claustrophobia.

5. Fucking Teenage Vampires. Again.

Yeah, I know I did this one already but, frankly, there’s so little going for this thing that I can’t even find five reasons not to see it. You’ve got four reasons and that beats me simply writing EVERYTHING in big letters under the video. And don’t think I wasn’t tempted.

Quod erat demonstratum.